Marcia's Blog

Missed a blog? Wanna read more? Go to "Blog Index" and click on a topic!

Thursday, Jan. 10, 4:44 p.m.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and feel like you are living the movie "Groundhog Day"?

I did this morning. It's all the same. Day in and day out. This is my morning:

Wake up. Wake up the girls. Judge how the day is going to go by the mood of my five-year-old: Good day: A weak smile, calmly gets out of bed. Bad day: The evil eye, a snarl, and a kick in the gut.

Wake up my son. Wake him up again.

Go downstairs. Pour coffee, add sweetner and milk. take one sip.

Wake up son.

Make one of a variety of frozen delicacies for breakfast: French toast strips, pancakes, waffles, bagel...you get the idea. May microwave bacon if I feel they need extra protein. Pack back packs. Make snacks. search for clothing, throw clothing at kids. Greet son as he stumbles into the kitchen, whimpering.

Beg, nag, yell, physically push the kids into shoes, socks, coats, etc.

Put coat over nightgown. Drive kids to bus stop. Come back to the house and survey the damage.

And that's all in 20 minutes. Twenty minutes that I will re-live every weekday for the forseeable future.

_________________________________________________

For your reading enjoyment and edification I have gone over the data from the past year on my Polling Booth. In order to save you time, I thought I'd present the results of the past polls:

First annual Polling Booth Summary:

What you want for Christmas: Pretty evenly divided between money, naps, and a clean house. No world peace for my moms!!

How you measure success: Happy healthy kids.

Your least favorite chore: cleaning the bathroom

The value you want your kids to embrace: compassion and self respect

Plastic surgery? Divided between none and tummy tucks. You "no"s are all liars!

What celebrity mom you admire: Pretty much none. (Okay, who's the one who voted for Madonna?)

How many friends do you have? You'd like more.

Breastfeeding in public: the only unanimous result: Yes!

How would you change your spouse (The most popular poll, by the way, hmmm...) Make more money. (Come on, wouldn't you like some tight abs?)

Who would you trade lives with for one day? Overwhelmingly Oprah. Not very original, people. Wouldn't you just like to be Beyonce' for ONE day? Or be Meredith Grey and make out with Patrick Dempsy?

Make up? All the time. I don't believe you. I've been to the mall.

Spare time? Kind of all over the board. But the several of you who chose Clean the house really need to get a hobby!

So, that's the story. That gives us a snapshot of the readers of this website: You clean the house too much, except for your filthy bathrooms, don't have enough dough, wear too much make up, have flabby tummies, watch Oprah, need more friends, and hope your kids turn out okay.

Sounds familiar!

______________________________________________________

Thursday, Jan. 3, 7:49 p.m.

Yes, this is my second post of the night...if you are game, keep reading after this one...

Actually, the point of this post is to give you my annual "Favorite Books List". Reading is something I always make Every year I give you my picks for stuff you just can't miss this year. I am just self absorbed enough to think anyone cares.

Books:

I've been reading a lot of great books. Here are a few you should pick up today...

1. Middlesex by Jeffrey Euenides. An unbelievble book, maybe one of the best I've ever read. In a nutshell, about a Greek man who's raised as a girl. It spans several decades. And it takes place in Detroit.

2. The Spirit Moves You and You Fall Down by Anne Fadiman. Not a new book, I know, but amazing all the same. No matter how you feel about the immigration issue, this book will make you think about it.

3. The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson. It's about the Chicago World's Fair in 1893. Who cares, you're asking? You will once you read it. I can't believe I've never heard about it. Included is the story of a horrendous serial killing in case you thought you'd be bored.

4. Vaccine by Arthur Allen. Whether you're pro or con, you will become educated about this controversial medical revolution. Keep an open mind, the author did!

5. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl. Talk about a terrible title. She's lucky anyone bought this one. But, it's a very entertaining novel about kids in a private school. Trust me, it's good.

6. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver. Yes, this one is definitely NOT from this year. But I didn't read it until now. An incredible book about missionaries in the Congo in the 1960s. You won't want to put it down.

Thursday, Jan. 3, 7:28 p.m.

I'm going to present to you a slice of life many of you probably have never witnesses...A Harlem Globetrotters Basketball game.

On our way home from Detroit the other day we cruised by the marquee for the Palace of Auburn Hills. Flashing on it were the words: "Harlem Globetrotters, 2 p.m." We debated for a moment and then decided: It was too good to pass up. My son loves basketball, he's never been to the Palace, the home of the Deeetroit Pistons, no one, except my husband was in any big hurry to get home to Traverse City...let's do it!!

Since it was only 11:30, we were a tad early. My husband and I stifled our excited chuckles as we discretely maneuvered around and into the Palace parking lot without alerting the kids what we were scheming! Don't tell them! They'll be so excited!! We pull in about ten minutes later. Shhh...don't say anything!!

We pull into a parking spot. "Guess what! GUESS WHERE WE ARE!!!"

"The Palace." My son responds in monotone, the bells and buzzers of his Nintendo DS buzzing.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW!!!!" We ask.

"I saw the sign. And I heard you." Buzz. Bing.

"AREN'T YOU EXCITED??!!" We scream.

"Yeah." He answers gamely.

"Where are we and when are we going to be home?" My daughers whine.

"We're going to see THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS AT THE PALACE OF AUBURN HILLS!!!" We gamely try to up the enthusiasm here. "IT'S WHERE THE PISTONS PLAY!!"

"Oh."

"We're kinda early. So, we'll have some lunch and then watch the game!"

"Oh."

We get out of the car. And cross the six miles of blacktop to the East Entrance.

"I'm freezing. When are we going to eat?"

We get inside, purchase tickets and....plan to sit on our butts until 12:30 when the Palace restaurant opens.

So...."Well, let's go find somewhere to eat. Then it should be time to go inside for the game.

"We're going to see a game?" My Diva Daughter asks. "I thought we were just having lunch and then going home." Yeah, we saw the enormous complex of the Palace of Auburn Hills and decided, Hey, how about lunch?

To make a long story short, my husband manages to talk us into a special "Talk talk" session where we get to meet the players and take pictures on the court, eat $5 hot dogs, buy a $25 red white and blue basketball, eat a Sanders hot fudge cream puff (only if you're from Detroit do you know the pleasures!), and watch six guys put on a comedy show while playing exactly seven minutes of "basketball". The funny thing is, my son still believes the Trotters came within a hair of losing the game!

Fun, fun, fun. We got home at 8:00 that night. But it was worth it. Even if my son now thinks the "Butt pass" is a legitimate basketball move! (But his finger spin is getting better by the day!)

_______________________________________________________

Tuesday, January 1, 7:50 p.m.

Happy New Year. My kids don't go back to school until Thursday. Weee!

Anyhoo...yesterday we had a "family fun day" known as "skiing". All five of us trecked out to the local ski resort for a fun day of wet socks, heavy equipment lifting, $5 french fries, and runny noses.

In case you didn't figure it out, I don't really ski. But, being the trooper I am, I strapped on my $35 rented boots and threw myself down the trecherous 10 degree incline known as the "Snowball". Yes, I and 27 preschoolers and a smattering of toddlers rode the "Magic Carpet" (kind of like the moving sidewalk at the airport only uphill) to the summit of "Snowball". I disembarked the Magic Carpet and managed to snowplow down the hill moderately faster than the parents walking down in their boots with their offspring. My five and seven year old daugters flew past me yelling "Yeah mommy! You're doing great!" And they didn't use poles. Here's what you chant to yourself when you're learning to ski: "Make a pizza! Squash the bug!" I still have no idea what that means.

I learned a few things:

1. My boots aren't waterproof.

2. Neither are my gloves.

3. Kids have no fear of gravity. Falling down is an everyday occurance to them. Think about it. Not a day goes by that one of my kids doesn't hit the dust. It's just business as usual. But, I never fall. If I did, something important would probably break, strain, or bruise heartily. That's why we as adults fear gravity. That's why kids learn to ski instantly.

4. I am seriously out of shape. I was flat out exhausted after putting the boots on. And I never stood up. Seriously. I had to take a break.

5. After five runs down "Snowball" I felt very happy with myself. If you're a regular reader of the Blog you know that I decided some time ago that at 42 I no longer had to do things I didn't want to do. Like outdoor sports. Skiing was definitely on that list. But, I forced myself to do it and I am proud of myself. I felt like one of those cool sports babes with the matching ski outfits with the furry hood. On the way home I marched into the 7/11 in my snow pants and polar fleece jacket to pick up the milk and said to myself "yeah, that's right!"

__________________________________________________

Friday, Dec. 14, 6:45 a.m.

Okay, I know most of you have given up on me. I get a lot of comments on the lameness of my posting frequency. I really did intend to blog "everyday" and "often". But, some (okay, most) days I just don't feel funny. I want to be funny. I don't want to post a boring old blog that you just hit the red "x" button and go "whatever...".

I could post blogs like this:

"Hey! FUN day yesterday!! Took the girls carolling at the nursing home. SO CUTE!!!:) We sang songs, decorated cookies...how heart warming it is to see the look of joy on those wizened old faces!"

But, that wouldn't exactly be true. More like:

"Hey! What a nightmare! Took the girls carolling at the nursing home. Such a pain!!! We sang songs, decorated cookies...how frightening it was to see the look of contempt on those wizened old faces!"

Yes, we did do the above yesterday. We went with my daughter's Brownie troop to the nursing home to sing songs and decorate cookies with the residents. We got there at 4:30. Dinner starts at 5. Can you imagine the joy in their hearts when they realized that dinner was going to be late because these sweet little urchins were going to sing 27 stanzas of Jingle Bells and force feed them Gordon Food Service sugar cookies coated with white "frosting" and red sugar? It was truly a joy to behold!!

One sweet woman, clearly living in another time zone, laughed so hard throughout the entire performance tears were rolling down her cheeks. She gripped a potted fake Pointsettia trying not to pee her pants at the hilarity of the event. As we got ready to leave she pointed at me, waved, and with complete seriousness said: "I'll see YOU soon! You just WAIT!!" I shivered.

Anyhoo...another fun and adorable tradition hits the skids. Today is my Diva Daughters 7th birthday. It's a Hannah Montana/Puppy birthday: Her two favorite things, she couldn't decide on the theme.

Happy Birthday, DD!

__________________________________________________

Sunday, Nov. 18, 11:15 a.m.

Here's an update to my last post...My number one pet peeve: Sticking to your diet during the holidays. This topic has obviously because a classic chestnut to be dragged out each year in the holiday editions of the women's magazines.

1. Bring a healthy dish to gatherings so that you can be sure you have something to eat: How rude! Yeah, I'd love for someone to show up at one of my parties, over which I have slaved for hours, with their own "healthy dish" so that they don't have to suffer eating my junky swill. Please, don't do this. If you're going to bring something, make it naughty!!

2. Don't go to the mall on an empty stomach: It really doesn't matter, does it? You'll be starved after three hours of shopping anyway!

3. Leave evidence of your "crimes": Leave the empty wine bottle on the counter so you'll be tempted to drink less. No problem, I have lots of practice with that!

_______________________________________________

This one is from Real Simple Magazine, Dec. 2007.

Tuesday, Nov. 13, 2:04 p.m.

Okay, it's holiday time (yes, I know, I heard Rulolph on the radio LAST WEEK!) and time for a rant about one of my all time fave pet peeves! Holiday Diets!

Yes, Holiday Diets. Why, I ask. If you can diet 11 months out of the year, why can't you eat the freakin' Thanksgiving dinner without guilt? But, every magazine and every morning "news" show is going to do it's own "How to Get Through the Holidays Without Spoiling Your Diet" segment.

Here are some of my favorite "tips" from this month's Woman's Day. (Because it's the magazine I saw first, not because they are any worse than any other in this department.):

1. Have a snack before you leave the house for the holiday meal: This way you won't arrive "ravenous" for the feats. WHAT? Are you kidding me? I've been saving up calories all day for this thing!! I purposely didn't eat breakfast so I could come ravenous! I WANT to be so hungry I can eat thirds of everything!

2. Allow yourself "mini portions" of your fave foods like sweet potato casserole, cheesey potato casserole, green bean casserole, etc: SEE ABOVE!

3. Start a food journal: Right, I thought the holidays were supposed to be depressing enough.

3. At a buffet line, scope the offerings first, then, use a small salad plate instead of a dinner plate: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,....oh, sorry, my eyes are watering from laughing so hard.

4. Drink two glasses of water ahead of time so you don't drink too many high calorie cocktails: What? Oh...I can't respond to this one, I'm drunk. (Remember my low-cal Cosmo blog...just use extra vodka!)

5. Don't blow it on leftovers: Now, that's out of line. That concept was introduced at the first Thanksgiving with the Pilgrims. I think it was in the Old Testament.

I say if you can't eat at the holidays what's the point? You can combine this whole concept with the current rage: Don't buy any presents this year! Why don't we just skip to January right now.

Saturday, Nov. 10, 5:18 p.m.

Well, another exciting Saturday night is in store for me!

Tonight I and my three children are attending "High School Musical" at the local high school. That means it's The High School Muscial High School Musical! I wonder if anyone thinks that is as clever as I do?

My son is playing basketball in the living room wearing a Jimi Hendrix T-shirt. He likes it because he thinks Jimi looks like Corbin Bleu. If you don't understand that reference, you haven't seen High School Musical. I can't get over this, it truely drives the "generation gap" point home.

My daugters (and now my son, who is always up for merriment) are playing leap frog over some garbage bags. Also in my living room. I asked my husband why he didn't take those out to the garage. He replied that he didn't know what those bags were for. Full, closed, black garbage bags. Go figure.

On TV is "The Suite Life of Zack and Cody". In case you're not familiar, it's the hilarious hijinx of a pair of adorable twins who play 12 or 13 but must be about 25. Kind of like Webster. Or Gary Coleman. Except these kids are blond and blue eyed.

I'm on my way to dinner with my sister in law and her family and some other people, I'm not sure who, and my kids, after which we shall depart for the HSMHSM. My Diva Daughter is chanting "Where's my shoe, where's my shoe, where's my shoe..." Do you think I can call ahead a cocktail order?

__________________________________________________

Saturday, Oct. 27, 8:56 p.m.

How skinny am I supposed to be?

That is not a rhetorical question.

I have been reading some magazines lately and it seems that no matter how old we are, we women are supposed to have "smokin' hot bodies". That's a direct quote. I was watching TV last night and I saw a commercial for a diet aid. Apparently, if I were to eat this particular food (less than $10 per day!!) I would lose copious weight and be "smokin'" like this woman.

I am over 40. If you don't know how much over 40, I recommend referring to my previous blog posts under "archives". In my younger days, I was quite skinny. Really skinny as a matter of fact. There was a time that I was accused of having an eating disorder. I was not able to give blood because I fell under the weight minimum. My clavical protruded from it's skin and my ribs were prominent.

Oh, shut up. I was 19.

I am over two decades older than that now. I have had four children. I am self assured, confident, content, and no longer have the continuous "nervous energy" it requires to maintain an exceptionally low BMI. (We didn't know about BMIs when I was 19, but I'm sure it was low!)

Let's just say I'm a little chubbier than I used to be. So sue me. I like food. I don't like exercise. I'm like 98.9% of the female population, right?

Well, if you listen to TV and read the mags, we are SO in the minority! We are seriously healthfully deficient if we indulge in more than and "occasional" dessert. We need to be "smokin' hot"!

I used to feel bad about not following the diet and exercise recommendations that are intended to keep my thin and healthy. I'm sorry. I'm not 19. If that's the "standard of beauty" for women in our society, I guess I need to move.

How about if we re-define "smokin' hot" for a new generation of women? Boobs, hips, tummies, and all!

____________________________________________________

Friday, Oct. 19, 8:49 a.m.

Sorry. It was gently pointed out that I am not updated this site as often as I should. Or claim to. I apologize. I'm busy. What do you want from me?

I decided to provide a list of the essential tasks that I performed this morning which takes time away from my beloved website:

1. Search the kitchen frantically for the checkbook because it's picture day and I haven't sent in the forms yet and we wouldn't want to be deprived of the 47 wallet sized photos that come with the package. Found checkbook in car.

2. Stare in pantry for school snack inspiration. Decide on cheese-flavored Cheerios snack mix. And grapes. Decide this will look least neglectful by teacher. (Because I almost reached for the Pringles and Keebler Elf shaped cookies.)

3. Stand in bathroom while ROTU daughter goes potty. Still a frequent necessity due to one time older brother reached in and turned off light while going potty. Two years ago.

4. Pour coffee. Leave on counter. Remember half-hour later. Re-heat coffee. Pour in milk that has been in fridge without cap for four days. Wonder about flavor of milk without cap. Pour anyway.

5. Remind son, who can tell time, to get shoes and socks on. Son, as he does every morning, looks baffled and annoyed that he has to perform such a task.

6. Make hot and nutritious breakfast in microwave. I'll leave it to your imagination.

7. Remind kids three times to eat breakfast.

8. Brush Diva Daughters hair. She asks for a pony tail, but I refuse as it is picture day. She is upset: Her curly hair attracts comments and pats from other kids and adults alike. She avoids such attention by wearing pony tails. I promise she can put in a pony tail after pictures.

9. Drive kids to bus stop. Reach corner just as bus arrives. Whew! Crisis averted!

10. Stack dirty dishes in sink. Contemplate doing dishes. Write this instead. Satisfied?

__________________________________________________

Tuesday, Oct. 9, 6:00 p.m.

For those of you with two or more children: Do you remember when you were pregnant with your second? You were afraid there wouldn't be enough love to go around? How could you possibly love this next child as much as the first one? Would this new child take away from your original kid?

Then everyone told you: You have enough love for two. Your heart expands to include all of your kids. You don't have a finite amount of love, you just make more.

What happened to that?

My Diva Daughter: "When you say you love Kelly, it means you don't love me."

Huh?

"Of course I love you honey. I love ALL of you. I love you more than anything!"

"No you don't."

Okay.

How about this: Ruler of the World Daughter: "Do you love watching me do ballet?" Me: "Yes. It is my favorite thing to do." Her: "So, you HATE watching Casey do cartwheels, right?"

Hmmm....

How do you answer these questions? I mean, you really do love all of your kids. You can't really explain it. Everything they say is true: Your heart expands, you have infinite love, you make more, blah, blah, blah....

But, that's not what a kid wants to hear. They really want to hear that you love them best. They want to know that the other ones come in second, third, etc.

I told my younger sister once that research has proven that it is really true that parents love the first children the most. The second child is really just an after thought.

I am so mean:)

__________________________________________________

I think friendship is going out of style. I know what you are thinking: "What? This topic again? What is wrong with you? Are you friendless?"

No, I'm not friendless. But, the topic is always fascinating to me. Female friendships are complicated. Probably because women are complicated. And girls are complicated. Trust me, I know, I have two. Boys have it easy. They punch each other on the upper arm, play a little kick ball, VIOLA!, best friends.

Girls, on the other hand, don't bond quite as easily. There are long, sideways looks, evaluating. Maybe some whispers between the other girls. Maybe a compliment, maybe not. There's usually some type of probation period. Best friendship doesn't occur for at least several weeks. Girls always have an ulterior motive, too. Will they fit in? Is the clothing right? Will they be competition?

Sounds cynical, right? But, you know it's true in a way. The same thing holds true for adult women. We don't always bond easily. Our feelings are hurt too easily. We still judge: Clothes, kids, parenting styles. And once we make friends, it's hard to maintain them.

Hence my original statement: Friendship is going out of style. Instead of long phone chats we send quick e-mails. And, e-mails are notorious friendship enders. There's no voice inflection in an e-mail. No facial expression. No quick retractions if the words offend. It's all too easy to hurt feelings if an e-mail is worded carelessly.

Also, we're all SO busy we don't have time for other people. I know how that is: We're so wrapped up in our kids obligations, we don't do anything just for fun. And, what if you have an outside job, too? Forget it. It's sad, really. I always think, Who would come to my funeral if I died tomorrow?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 3, 2:45 p.m.

I just wanted to tell you about my sister's plans for this weekend. She is taking her step daughter and her friend to Cedar Pointe for the day Saturday. For those of you unaware, Cedar Pointe is the grand-daddy of amusement parks in the upper midwest. It's the showpiece of roller-coaster fun in Sandusky Ohio.

My sister's step-daughter is 14. So, she knows she will want to spend the majority of the day with her friend, taking on the park, unencumbered by mom. My sister has yet to scrounge up a companion to this event: Saturday in October is usually reserved for soccer games, etc.

So she is going to be alone for the better part of six hours.

She planned on taking a book, eating lunch, shopping for souveniers for her other kids. She expected to be real bored, real quick. We, however devised a better way to spend the day...

She's going to have FUN!! Camera in hand, she is going to take self-pictures at all the major attractions: On the Mine Ride, through the Log Ride tunnel, on the Tilt-A-Wirl! At frequent points she will photograph herself with various amusement park snacks: Foot Longs, giant Guzzler beverages, big pretzels, elephant ears, a big puffy cotton candy. All the while, she will sport the most obnoxious Cedar Pointe T-shirt she can find.

Did I mention the place is decorated for Halloween? Yes, costumes are welcome. She is planning on dressing up as "Cedar Pointe Tourist": Fanny pack, visor, sneakers and white knee high socks, and, of course, a mullet wig.

She's going to text me pics throughout the day. I must keep my cell phone charged.

I'll send you an update.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 28, 4:48 p.m.

Just a short update. I'm crabby and tired. I wanted to get a few things off my chest...

Here are some of the things that are bugging me today (does the word "crumudgeon" start to sound appropo? Is that how you spell "appropo"?)

1. People who have 4,756 bumber stickers on their car. I apologize if this is you. (And, this is the one and only time I will apologize...think of this as a blanket apology.) Obviously you feel the need to tell the world your life story. Not to mention your political affiliation, religious beliefs, the gender of your dog, your kid's status in middle school, your favorite long-defunct radio stations, etc. We didn't ask, but thanks!

2. People who call you back from their caller id. Even if you didn't leave a message. Even if it was a wrong number. It's spooky. I hung up. I didn't want you to call me back. If I wanted a return call, I would have left a message. Last time this happened it was a wrong number. I figured it out...that's why I hung up. I got a call back. I answer the phone, the guy just says: "Someone called me from this number." I said: "Okay...and...". Annoying.

3. People who have super long answering machine messages. Like: "Hello! This is Mike, Cindy, Jo-Jo, Blair, Mi-Mi, and Rover's house! We're not home right now, and Jo-Jo, Blair, and Mi-Mi are too young to answer the phone, and Rover is a Dog!! Please leave your name, number, time of call, and a brief message after the beep, and we will return your call as soon as we get back. Have a great day!! Bye-bye!!" THEN, a robotic answering machine lady says: "You may leave a voice message after the tone. If you would like to leave a phone number, press one. When you are finished, you may hang up, or press zero for further options. BEEEEEEEP". Okay, a half hour has passed. I just wanted to ask what time the PTO meeting was.

I hope you have a REAL nice day! :)

____________________________________________________

Friday, September 21, 8:39 a.m.

An Open Letter to Working Moms,

Dear Working Mom,

I apologize. I used to be a Stay At Home snob. "GOOD moms stay home with their kids!" I would spout condescendingly. "Don't HAVE kids is you're just going to let someone else raise them!" Yes, I confess, that was me. I was young. I was idealistic. I listened to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on AM radio. I still have the "I Am My Kids Mom" coffee mug.

Now, don't get me wrong. Babies need their mommies. I wouldn't be a breastfeeding advocate if I didn't think there's a special bond between an infant and it's mother. Babies aren't just little objects to be shuttled off to a care provider at the earliest convenience. Compromises need to be made. A parent needs to be available as often as physically possible.

BUT...

I think about a world where mothers always stayed home. Where moms made NO contribution to the outside world. Do we really want a world where mothers don't have a say? Don't we value the thoughts, opinions, and empathy of moms?

I know I'm a different person since I had kids. My heart and soul changed when I started living for someone else. Having a child is like having your heart walk outside your body. Someone said that...I don't remember who. I used to be a pediatric nurse. I thought I was good at it. Parents liked me. I did a good job. Once I had my own child, though, I found out everything I never knew. You just understand other parents in a way a person without children can't. (Note, I didn't say "gave birth to" my kids. Moms can be made in many ways without actual childbirth!)

I like it that my kids teachers have kids. I know they understand kids just a little bit better. I know they understand their quirks and eccentricities. Living through them is different than reading about them in text books.

So, think about a world without the contribution of mothers: Politicians who were childless, mostly men. Your pediatrician without kids. Your teachers without kids. Nurses without kids. Judges without kids. Police officers without kids. Would that world be a better place?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, Sept. 12, 7:33 p.m.

Dear Young Woman,

By young woman, I mean under 35. I am old. I am over 40. I mean officially. Not like, 40 plus a few months. I mean 40 plus a few years. With age comes wisdom, right? Goodbye beauty. Goodbye elastic skin. Good bye anti-gravitational butt. Hello age marks. Hello flappy under arm skin. Hello strange wrinkles above my knee when I flex my thighs.

Anyway, the good news is...WISDOM!!! I have learned a couple of things about myself and I am fully comfortable with admitting them. Rembember when you were really young, like 25, and you pretended you liked to do things you really didn't like to do? Him: "Do you want to do go kayaking this weekend?" Me: "Awesome! I totally don't care that it's March and freezing and the water's 50 degrees and I HATE outdoor activities!!! LET'S GO!!"

Today I am fully actualized. I am comfortable in the woman that I truely am. I don't need to apologize for who I am. I now have two "rules to live by":

1. I do not like outdoor "iron man" activities: Okay, an hour of tennis, just volleying the ball back and forth, that's fine. But, anything that involves "equipment", that's NOT OK. I'm not going to snow shoe. I'm not going to learn to sail. We're NOT hiking. I mile or so down a pretty, autumn leaved strewn path, fine. But, serious slogging up and down hills wearing special foot gear...NO! I am fully confident in admitting that when I have a Saturday free I would rather fill it with reservations, movie tickets, a good novel, and shopping bags.

2. I can pick my own friends, and I'm not going to spend more than 20 minutes with someone I don't like! It sounds cruel, I know. I but when you are heading over the crest of middle age (AHHH!) you really don't have time to waste. If someone is really irritating I am not going to invest time with this person. Polite, courteous, yes. Friends....no. The same goes for bad novels and boring movies.

Judge me if you will. Just wait until you are "MIDDLE AGE". Time becomes an issue. Do with it what you will!

_________________________________________________

Friday, Sept. 7, 6:30 p.m.

I want to talk about "perfect moms". I know, I've discussed this before, and it's reeking like I'm insecure about my mothering skills. Okay, maybe that's true. But, there are a whole lotta moms out there who seem to be better than me. I am hoping that by discussing this in depth I will unearth the possiblity that they aren't as perfect as they appear.

As far as I see it there are two types of "perfect moms":

1. The Highly Organized and Creative Mom: My neighbor is this. Her house is SPOTLESS! And she has five kids. Yes, FIVE! ( I'm sorry, am I shouting? I'm feeling a little sensetive right now.) Her house doesn't have so much as a water speck. And she doesn't use a housekeeper. I am positive about this: She lives two houses down and I would recognize an unfamiliar car! She has creative kid "activities" that she actually uses like "activity" and "job" jars. She has the "lesson of the day". Her kids each have their own "cubby" and they USE them!!

2. The "All-Natural" Mom: I have several friends like this. I gained these friends through past breastfeeding support groups. For some reason, some people who attend breastfeeding support groups lean toward extreme parenting styles. These moms never:

- Let their kids watch TV. NEVER!

- Hit the McDonald's drive thru. Let alone use it as a regular lunch launt.

- Let their kids play with aggressive, plastic, corporate produced, TV-show inspired toys. Like the kind that come from McDonald's Happy Meals. Or Toys R' Us. A pencil would be an exciting Christmas gift.

- Have lots of "all natural", "quality" time together. Baking bread, making their own paper, bird watching...these are the activites I'm talking about.

There has to be something wrong with these "perfect moms", right? Secretly they hit the bottle every night, right? They would have to! Or, they yell at their kids and lock them in the "secret closet" at night. Maybe they're all big, huge liars and really stuff their kid's mouths with Cheeto's and Gatorade while parking them in front of Disney Channel while they read the Star Magazine and eat Hostess Twinkies. Afterward, they whisk their little darlings off to Target where they purchase loads of Bratz and Star Wars Action Toys followed by a meal of burgers, fries, and orange "drink" at the closest drive thru!

Right?

Monday, Aug. 21, 8:45 a.m.

Are you tired? Isn't being a mom freakin' exhausting? Who said we were never going to have a moment to ourselves, ever again? Here are a few clues that you are suffering from "momitis". Definition: Being kicked in the butt by the sheer fact of being a mom.

You fantasize about having a benign, painless disease that requires several days of hospitalization so that you can rest.
Going to the Secretary of State office (or Department of Motor Vehicles for those of you not in Michigan) alone sounds like heaven!
You could literally sleep anywhere. I mean ANYWHERE: on a lounge chair, standing up, on the floor, etc.
Getting your hair shampooed at the salon is the most you've been touched by another adult in weeks.
You tell people you "have to go to the potty".
Boxed macaroni and cheese has become a dinner staple. Even for the adults.
You hide in the bathroom to get some peace and quiet. The toilet is the only place where you can read the newspaper.
You refer to your friends as "Mrs. Smith" instead of their first name.
Your husbands name is now "Daddy".
The last book you read was made out of cardboard.

That's my list. How about yours? Send me some good ones and I'll add them to the list. I know you have em. Your dirty little mommy secrets. Come on...don't be embarrassed!

____________________________________________

Sunday, Aug. 5, 9:15 a.m.

I was just reading about Posh Spice and her triumphant arrival in the U.S. of A. In case you aren't an avid E! or People on-line reader, Posh Spice (a former Spice Girl, and if you don't know who THEY are, I don't have the time...) is married to David Beckham (famous soccer star from Britain who, supposedly, is going to make Americans care about soccer, Ha, Ha...). Apparently they have just arrived in the States to begin David's career with the LA Galaxy Soccer team (??) and Posh's as Celebrity Tabloid Fixture.

They are BFFs with the Cruise's (Katie and Tom) and the Smiths (Will and Jada). (Does anyone remember when these wealthy and glamourous celebrity royals were just the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and that little girl from Dawson's Creek?)

ANYWAY...I was reading an article about them in OK magazine. Now, this is acceptable because it's a British counterpart to the Star magazine. Being British makes it not so cheesy. Posh and Becks, as they're called by their close and personal friends, are fabulously wealthy. They are quadrillionaires. According to the article, because of their wealth, they require loads of assistance with their daily lives. They have three nannies, two personal assistants, two personal shoppers, several gardeners, a chef, two housekeepers, a driver, and two personal trainers.

Now, I propose to you an equation: For every incremental income level you attain, you lose an equal increment in ability to take care of yourself. For example: You earn ten million dollars. That increase in income level causes an unexplainable loss of the ability to shop and clean for yourself. It's like having babies: For each kid you have, you lose a share of brain cells. (Everyone know this!) You get increasingly dumber with each child birthed. It's the same with wealth: For each pile of dough you make, you become more and more incompetent! Aready the Beckhams can't clean, cook, garden, exercise, shop, drive, take care of their kids, or organize their lives. Eventually, as they earn more and more money with Beck's shoe and sports drink endorsements, they will be forced to hire people to feed, change and bathe them! They will be virtual infants!

This makes me very happy to be poor and independant! I may have to shop at Target, but at least I can go by myself!!

_______________________________________________

Friday, Aug. 3, 8:20 a.m.

I was thinking about friendship. I spent a day at the beach this week with a couple of woment I have become friends with over the last couple of years. These are the kind of women you feel an immediate bond with. They laugh at the same things. They "get" what you are talking about without a lot of explaination. They never judge. They don't "sympathize": You know, "Oh, that's too bad...you poor thing!" It's all empathy: "I know what you mean...". These are the rare friends you know you want to make an effort for. You miss them when you don't see them. You make a mental note to try and call them...soon.

It got me thinking about the catagory of friendships we women tend to have:

1. Relatives: You're stuck with them for (potentially) life. You probably wouldn't have picked them if you weren't born/married into them. They have good and bad qualities. You usually lose patience for them during long holiday meals. You talk about them to your spouse behind their backs. You don't want to have major fights with them since you will have to see them again, probably soon.

2. Childhood Friends: Similar to relatives. You're stuck with them because you made a bond as children. You probably wouldn't pick them today. They have good and bad qualities. The main good quality is that they are still there after all these years. You probably apologize about them to your current friends: "I"ve known her since we were kids...you just have to get to know her...". You probably decide you can't be friends with her at times, but you never stick to it.

3. Circumstantial Friends: Friends you made because they fit at the time: at work, playgroup, club/organization, school, etc. For a short period, you were BEST friends! You LOVED them! They served a purpose: getting you through boredom/irritation/stress/etc. The hitch: You never see them again after you leave the circumstance that brought you together. Occasionally you think about her and wonder what happened to her. But, you never really bother to get in touch. And if you do, it's not the same.

4. Good Friends: Rare and valuable. You should cherish and nurture these friends. These are the friends you can laugh with, cry with, fight with, tease, confide in, ignore, apologize to, drink with, eat with, point out all your nasty flaws with. These friends are easy to abuse, because they like and forgive you. It's easy to fall into bad patterns. It's easy to forget to call. But, you should try. Do it today. You will be happier and probably healthier for doing it.

5. Best Friends: What is this exactly? My son asked me yesterday who my best friend was. I couldn't answer. I don't know. I suppose it's my sister, but that feels like cheating. She's a relative. Can she also be the best friend? A lot of people say their mom or spouse is their best friend. Is this possible? Can a man be your best friend? Is it cheating to use a relative, especially your mother, as your best friend? If you have a non-relative best friend, how did this happen? Do people with "best friends" put up with more bad behavior and nasty characteristics than other people do? Can you find a best friend as an adult? Or, do they have to come from childhood or, at least, college? Are some people just too private to have a best friend? Could a best friend do anything to lose "best friend" status? These are the things I'd like to know.

I've come up with a formula for the "Friendship Quotient" or "FQ". Here's it is:

Five points for a Best Friend. You only get one.

Two points each for Good Friends. If you have more than three I think you may have a problem. Just how good are these friends?

One point each for Childhood Friends.

Zero for each Circumstantial Friend. They just don't count.

Minus one point each for Relatives. No comment.

So, for example, if you have a best friend, add 5. Say, two Good Friends, add 4. Two Childhood Friends, 2 points. Nothin' for that woman you hang out with at work. You have six Relatives: Subrtract 6. Your FQ is 5.

What does this mean, you ask? I'm not sure. But, I think with enough hype, it just might make a great Oprah topic. What do you think?

So, if you have any advice for me, let me know. I'd like to discuss this more later. For now, I'm going to e-mail my long lost work buddy and see what she's up to.

___________________________________________

Thursday, August 2, 2007, 10:51 a.m.

Lazy Mom's Art Projects:

Teach your kids valuable creativity lessons with stuff from your very own kitchen!

1. Masks! Take paper plate. Cut in half. Punch holes, one in each side. Cut out eyes (approximate your kids eye level). Let kid color and paint as desired. Tie dental floss in side holes. Put on kid's head. Mask!

2. Puppet! Take paper plate. Glue or tape popsicle stick to bottom. Let kid color and paint as desired. Puppet!

3. "Outdoor Art Collage": Give kid paper sack. Walk around backyard. Tell kid to "collect nature stuff". (Have kids pick up leaves and sticks.) Glue "stuff" to paper plate. Clean up yard and get creative at the same time!

4. Butterfly: Take coffee filter. Wrap pipe cleaner around middle. Spread out "wings". Have kid draw with markers. Butterfly!

_________________________________________

Kid Games for Tired Mothers:

1. Spa: Set up lotions, creams, nail polishes, foot brush, etc. Lay on bed, or sit in comfy chair. Let child perform "spa day" on you. Get buffed, polished, and lotioned up. Relaxing!

2. Hair Dresser: A little like above. Get brushes, combes, hair clips, de-tangling spray, etc. Let little darling practice future career as stylist. Again, relaxing head massage ensues. (Tip: Just make sure you brush out your own hair first to avoid unnecessary yanking!)

3. "Scrubbing Sink": Fill sink with warm water. Squirt in copious amounts of dish soap. Put kid on chair, make sure LOTS of towels are on floor and counter to soak up water sloshing. Put in semi-dirty pans, cups and utensils. Give kid dish rag. Tell him/her to "go to town". (Tip: Clean sink first. You don't want them slogging in the nasty food detrius from two days ago!)

4. Pillow Tower: Excellent choice for VERY tired parent! Lie on bed. Have kids pile pillows and blankets on top of you. "See how high you can make it!!". Fall asleep under pile of lovely bed linens!

5. Walk on My Back!: Excellent cheap back massage. Lie on floor or firm mattress. Have child walk up and down back. (Tip: Best for kids under 40 lbs.)

Stay tuned for "Lazy Moms Art Projects" coming soon!