I was thinking about friendship. I spent a day at the beach this week with a couple of woment I have become friends with over the last couple of years. These are the kind of women you feel an immediate bond with. They laugh at the same things. They "get" what you are talking about without a lot of explaination. They never judge. They don't "sympathize": You know, "Oh, that's too bad...you poor thing!" It's all empathy: "I know what you mean...". These are the rare friends you know you want to make an effort for. You miss them when you don't see them. You make a mental note to try and call them...soon.
It got me thinking about the catagory of friendships we women tend to have:
1. Relatives: You're stuck with them for (potentially) life. You probably wouldn't have picked them if you weren't born/married into them. They have good and bad qualities. You usually lose patience for them during long holiday meals. You talk about them to your spouse behind their backs. You don't want to have major fights with them since you will have to see them again, probably soon.
2. Childhood Friends: Similar to relatives. You're stuck with them because you made a bond as children. You probably wouldn't pick them today. They have good and bad qualities. The main good quality is that they are still there after all these years. You probably apologize about them to your current friends: "I"ve known her since we were kids...you just have to get to know her...". You probably decide you can't be friends with her at times, but you never stick to it.
3. Circumstantial Friends: Friends you made because they fit at the time: at work, playgroup, club/organization, school, etc. For a short period, you were BEST friends! You LOVED them! They served a purpose: getting you through boredom/irritation/stress/etc. The hitch: You never see them again after you leave the circumstance that brought you together. Occasionally you think about her and wonder what happened to her. But, you never really bother to get in touch. And if you do, it's not the same.
4. Good Friends: Rare and valuable. You should cherish and nurture these friends. These are the friends you can laugh with, cry with, fight with, tease, confide in, ignore, apologize to, drink with, eat with, point out all your nasty flaws with. These friends are easy to abuse, because they like and forgive you. It's easy to fall into bad patterns. It's easy to forget to call. But, you should try. Do it today. You will be happier and probably healthier for doing it.
5. Best Friends: What is this exactly? My son asked me yesterday who my best friend was. I couldn't answer. I don't know. I suppose it's my sister, but that feels like cheating. She's a relative. Can she also be the best friend? A lot of people say their mom or spouse is their best friend. Is this possible? Can a man be your best friend? Is it cheating to use a relative, especially your mother, as your best friend? If you have a non-relative best friend, how did this happen? Do people with "best friends" put up with more bad behavior and nasty characteristics than other people do? Can you find a best friend as an adult? Or, do they have to come from childhood or, at least, college? Are some people just too private to have a best friend? Could a best friend do anything to lose "best friend" status? These are the things I'd like to know.
I've come up with a formula for the "Friendship Quotient" or "FQ". Here's it is:
Five points for a Best Friend. You only get one.
Two points each for Good Friends. If you have more than three I think you may have a problem. Just how good are these friends?
One point each for Childhood Friends.
Zero for each Circumstantial Friend. They just don't count.
Minus one point each for Relatives. No comment.
So, for example, if you have a best friend, add 5. Say, two Good Friends, add 4. Two Childhood Friends, 2 points. Nothin' for that woman you hang out with at work. You have six Relatives: Subrtract 6. Your FQ is 5.
What does this mean, you ask? I'm not sure. But, I think with enough hype, it just might make a great Oprah topic. What do you think?
So, if you have any advice for me, let me know. I'd like to discuss this more later. For now, I'm going to e-mail my long lost work buddy and see what she's up to.
